On Being Done With Difficult Things

1. I am still a college student.

2. I am not (as of yet) totally done with all of my finals for this semester. See previous post for an explanation on why the hell I'm blogging in the middle of finals week.

3. I am done with two of the most difficult things from my semester. (If you couldn't tell from the title, the focus of this post is going to be on this point. This one right here. About being done with difficult things.)

So much of this semester was me looking forward to this exact point: being done with two of the most time-consuming and emotionally draining things I have done as a student. As of Sunday night after a Christmas party, my official responsibilities as Director of wheatonIMPROV are done. As of this today at 9:50am my academic obligations as a Macroeconomics student are done. Done. Done. Done.

It may be that I haven't really comprehended yet what it actually means for me to be done, but as of now I don't feel much different. There hasn't been a huge psychological weight lifted, no teary realizations of how much I'm going to miss what I've already idealized from the past, no overcompensatory rejoicing over past suffering that doesn't seem so bad in hindsight, nothing. I'm glad to be done, for sure, but I don't think that I'm as glad as I thought I would be. Throughout the semester I kept myself going with thoughts of: "Think how great it'll be when you're done!" and "This will be so worth it when it's over!" Now that it's over I can't help wonder why it is that I thought a deadline would redeem everything.

As a caveat: I am not a bitter person, and nothing I am saying here is intended to passive-aggressively lash out against either my Macroeconomic professor (who I actually respect very, very much.) or anyone involved in wheatonIMPROV (as I truly love them all). I'm simply trying to honestly analyze myself and my experience. I'm also honestly simply procrastinating.

Now that these two things are done, I can't help but wonder what it is about finishing that supposedly transforms a painful experience into a worthwhile one. I am absolutely not trying to say that painful experiences aren't worthwhile, let me just get that out there right now. However, in my specific case I'm legitimately wondering if what I went through in each of these "character-building experiences" was ultimately worth what I'm supposed to have learned. Maybe it takes being removed from the exhausting over-involvement to see how it has shaped, challenged, and grown. I'm sure I'll look back sometime in the future and see how great the skills* I've had to develop are. (Maybe.) Knowing myself, it will take a while for me to process through as much as I can. I don't expect to ever be able to process through everything. Heck, I'm still processing through a ton of stuff that happened at the beginning of Freshman year. I'm a processor. I process. It's what I do.

As I process, I think what I've learned so far from this semester is that I shouldn't be so forward-looking to the end that I don't give proper weight to what it is I'm ending. Yes, I realize the majority of my peers learned this in second grade, but...whatever. It's a revolutionary thought for me. By looking forward to the end I robbed myself of a lot of what I could have learned in the moment. While there is still the opportunity for me to be shaped by these experiences as I reflect on them, I think I could have learned as much (if not more) had I taken the time to process through as I was in the thick of it rather than sprinting to the end with my eyes on the prize of "being done. Done. Done. Done."

I've really enjoyed being Director. I've really enjoyed truly challenging myself academically in Macro. I know I've grown a lot from doing both of these things, I'm just trying to figure out how.

*Here I'm talking about coping skills, interpersonal skills, learning skills, skills of self-discipline, etc. I'm NOT talking about the skills of analyzing and utilizing Macroeconomic ideas such as the Solow, the IS-LM, or the Mundell-Flemming Model. Come now, my existential crises [usually] consist of much deeper things than a handful of Macroeconomic graphs and charts! (Usually.)

Productive Procrastination

I procrastinate shamelessly. I like to think that I am clever in my procrastination because I'll avoid doing things that I don't want to do or that seem overwhelming to me (e.g. homework, papers, studying, academics, etc.) by being very productive in things that are fun for me (e.g. planning for improv and--more recently--blogging!).

Yes, I have a final presentation tomorrow. Yes, I'm presenting a paper I haven't yet written. Yes, I have two other papers due this week that I haven't yet started. But we're having extended practices for improv tomorrow, and I hadn't updated my blog since November. Really, is there even a choice here?

Transitions

I am not afraid of change. I like change. I get bored and am easily distracted when things stay the same for too long. I become discontent and begin to idealize how things could be different when I feel myself stuck in a routine. Change is good; change is refreshing. I like change.

However.

Transitions make me nervous. There's this awkward period of not feeling ready to let go of the known, but yet not knowing what new norm I'm moving toward. Anxiety-inducing self-doubt comes when I am in the gray area between the old and the new. I leave a position of knowing exactly what I needed to do in the role I filled. I'm going to a position where I will know exactly what I need to do in the role I will fill (well, ideally). The time where I learn what that role is and what I need to do terrifies me.

What if I omit something crucial I was supposed to learn? How much of my previous norm do I bring to this new norm? What if everyone else knows exactly how things should be going, and I step in a screw things up? Will people tell me if I'm screwing things up, or am I just supposed to figure it out when everyone around me eventually freezes me out? Should I do more of this? Should I be less of that? What is expected of me?

While all of these questions may not surface immediately (though a decent portion of them will meet me straight out of the gate), they all eventually catch up and bring their friends. In moments when I'm not distracted by actually living in whatever new normality to which I've transitioned; in moments when I don't have the social affirmation that I'm doing things well; in moments when I am most alone; these questions begin. I wouldn't go so far as to say they "haunt" me, that would be a little too melodramatic. But they do interfere with my ability to fully embrace change, whatever that change may be.

For me, the end of the severe self-doubt is the end of the transition. The end of second-guessing every move I make shows me that I have successfully survived yet another transition. For now. There will always be a little nagging self-doubt in anything and everything I do. I feel like it's healthy to never be complacent in whatever I'm doing. (It's sort of like my secret need to be a little bit better at whatever I do.) But I guess I will never know exactly, totally and completely, what I need to do in any role I will fill. I will never know or meet all of the expectations placed on me by the people around me. I will never meet my own expectations for myself. I will never be totally comfortable in what I do.

Yes, I can have peace about all of this, but it won't come as second nature to me. Having peace through transition is something that I have to consciously decide. I need to remember that transitions don't have to be characterized by self-doubt, and that self-doubt can be healthy when taken in the correct dosage and with proper outside perspectives to inform me as to when I'm right and when I'm wrong. Shoot, I guess it's time for me to put on my big girl shoes and face the reality that transitions don't have to be scary, and that they can be as fun as change.

Dangit, now what do I have to blame when I become comfortable enough in my norm that I don't seek change? I wonder how long I can ride the I'm-afraid-of-idealizing-how-things-could-be train....

It's still a novelty

Poor Blog. I promise I'll try to remember to take care of you.

I have a feeling I'm going to be forgetful.

Naming a Blog is a Serious Undertaking

I'm not going to lie, I think it took me about 20 minutes to name this blog. I wanted a blog title that was clever, witty, and would make people want to read it. One of my guy friends was too involved in playing Perfect Dark (he got the farsight...it's kind of a big deal.) to offer much creative assistance. My best friend was in the kitchen making cookies, offering affirmation to the names I was throwing out. Needless to say, I thought too much about naming this blog. I will probably think too much about everything I write here.

Note to self: blogging is not like journaling. It's a lot more fun/public.

As soon as I had committed to a Blog title, I was told that titles can be changed.