Transitions

I am not afraid of change. I like change. I get bored and am easily distracted when things stay the same for too long. I become discontent and begin to idealize how things could be different when I feel myself stuck in a routine. Change is good; change is refreshing. I like change.

However.

Transitions make me nervous. There's this awkward period of not feeling ready to let go of the known, but yet not knowing what new norm I'm moving toward. Anxiety-inducing self-doubt comes when I am in the gray area between the old and the new. I leave a position of knowing exactly what I needed to do in the role I filled. I'm going to a position where I will know exactly what I need to do in the role I will fill (well, ideally). The time where I learn what that role is and what I need to do terrifies me.

What if I omit something crucial I was supposed to learn? How much of my previous norm do I bring to this new norm? What if everyone else knows exactly how things should be going, and I step in a screw things up? Will people tell me if I'm screwing things up, or am I just supposed to figure it out when everyone around me eventually freezes me out? Should I do more of this? Should I be less of that? What is expected of me?

While all of these questions may not surface immediately (though a decent portion of them will meet me straight out of the gate), they all eventually catch up and bring their friends. In moments when I'm not distracted by actually living in whatever new normality to which I've transitioned; in moments when I don't have the social affirmation that I'm doing things well; in moments when I am most alone; these questions begin. I wouldn't go so far as to say they "haunt" me, that would be a little too melodramatic. But they do interfere with my ability to fully embrace change, whatever that change may be.

For me, the end of the severe self-doubt is the end of the transition. The end of second-guessing every move I make shows me that I have successfully survived yet another transition. For now. There will always be a little nagging self-doubt in anything and everything I do. I feel like it's healthy to never be complacent in whatever I'm doing. (It's sort of like my secret need to be a little bit better at whatever I do.) But I guess I will never know exactly, totally and completely, what I need to do in any role I will fill. I will never know or meet all of the expectations placed on me by the people around me. I will never meet my own expectations for myself. I will never be totally comfortable in what I do.

Yes, I can have peace about all of this, but it won't come as second nature to me. Having peace through transition is something that I have to consciously decide. I need to remember that transitions don't have to be characterized by self-doubt, and that self-doubt can be healthy when taken in the correct dosage and with proper outside perspectives to inform me as to when I'm right and when I'm wrong. Shoot, I guess it's time for me to put on my big girl shoes and face the reality that transitions don't have to be scary, and that they can be as fun as change.

Dangit, now what do I have to blame when I become comfortable enough in my norm that I don't seek change? I wonder how long I can ride the I'm-afraid-of-idealizing-how-things-could-be train....