Sunshine on my Shoulders, John Denver

If I had a day that I could give you

I'd give to you a day just like today

If I had a song that I could sing for you

I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

If I had a tale that I could tell you

I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile

If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

Sunshine almost all the time makes me high

Why, Yes. Yes, I am Procrastinating.

This morning as I was walking to meet up with a friend for breakfast, I experienced a small miracle. A neighbor of mine pulled up in her car and offered me a ride to class. I briefly weighed the possibility that this woman was going to kidnap me, but dismissed it with the assurance that I could probably outrun her if I needed to. I climbed into the car and was surprised at how easy it was to engage in small talk with this woman I had never met. We talked about the street we lived on, and the house I was living in (her best friend had lived there for several years some time ago and had absolutely loved it). We talked about my landlord and how lucky I was to have such a caring and understanding landlord. The only “awkward silence” moment came as we were pulling up to campus and sort of figuring out where she would drop me off. We said our goodbyes, and she pulled away as I walked up toward the dining commons. (I didn’t really find it necessary to correct her in her assumption that I was on my way to class. I was on my way to class. Eventually.)

This was a miracle for me in a few ways. One, it reassured me that there are some kind people out there who genuinely do just want to help you along as you try to get to wherever it is you’re going. She had no obligation to me, but she still offered a ride to me (and didn’t kidnap me). It also assured me that I can function as an adult in the adult world of social interactions. I’m not as painfully awkward as I think I am, and I am fully capable of engaging in 5 minutes of small talk with a perfect stranger. So there. I also was reminded of how to accept and benefit from random acts of kindness. So often I try to be the one who is in control and who is responsible for taking care of others, and it was refreshing to be reminded that it’s okay to receive blessings. Sure, I could have walked the whole way to breakfast by myself, and it probably would have given me a lot of time for reflection on my mental and emotional state of being. But allowing myself to be carried part of the way (metaphorically and physically) was refreshing and a humbling reminder that I am not called to do this alone.

I’m probably mapping way too much of my life onto a brief encounter with a stranger. Oh well. At it’s bare minimum, I was offered a ride to class by a lady who lives on my street. That’s pretty sweet.

Life Application of Armando

I had a realization a few weeks ago, but I'm not entirely sure if it's a sound conclusion. So I decided to blog about it, figuring that two Philosophy majors, a Children's Ministry major, and an English Composition major should be able to [lovingly] tell me whether or not I'm logically irrational, theologically heretical, or grammatically incapable.

Armando Diaz. An improvisational long form in which monologues followed by scenic exploration of the world described in the monologues. The main question that is asked in an Armando is "if that is true in this world, what else follows?" or something to that end.

The realization that I came to is that this is the question that is asked to critically analyze arguments. There is an analysis of a claim that is made, and then the logical effects of the argument are followed back. When a claim is made (philosophically or theologically) it is not immediately accepted as truth, but it is compared back with things that are held to be true to assess whether or not it holds true. In reasoning, it is better to be able to defend your argument or assumptions across a wide range or situations ('what else follows?') rather than having one specific example.

I don't know, maybe none of this makes sense, but I found it an interesting intersection of improv and academia. Plus, it makes me feel cool to have a real-life application for the world of critical thinking.

Continuing a Pattern

I realized that I've been blogging twice a month, and I think I'd like to keep it that way. No more. No less.

Also, here's a quote I had saved on a sticky note on my computer. I think it's especially applicable for blogging:

"Have we all become too hip? Have we overdosed on irony within a heavily mediated environment where everything is experienced from an ironic because meditated distance? Is communication now more or less an entertainment, a presentation of a public self with any number of knowing asides to an imaginary, clued-in audience?" (Slayden)

I wish I could know more about it's origins than simply "Slayden," but that's all I have for now.

Sylla-bye-bye

Every semester I get excited when I read through my syllabi. I tell myself that this semester, this class is going to be the one that I keep on top of my reading. This class I'm going to be motivated. I'm going to actually interact with the material. I'm going to engage in class. I'm going to really care about the subject. I'm going to be a good student!

Invariably I fail. I fall behind in readings. I hold my tongue in class, assuming that whatever I say is going to be the obvious thing that everyone else was already thinking. Other things keep me busy and prevent me from actually pouring the time, thought, and effort into assignments that I would actually enjoy if I wasn't so crunched by a due date. I think I'm actually a really bad student, if I'm honest with myself. I'm so excited by the idea of learning! but I'm really, really bad at the follow-through part of it.

On Being Done With Difficult Things

1. I am still a college student.

2. I am not (as of yet) totally done with all of my finals for this semester. See previous post for an explanation on why the hell I'm blogging in the middle of finals week.

3. I am done with two of the most difficult things from my semester. (If you couldn't tell from the title, the focus of this post is going to be on this point. This one right here. About being done with difficult things.)

So much of this semester was me looking forward to this exact point: being done with two of the most time-consuming and emotionally draining things I have done as a student. As of Sunday night after a Christmas party, my official responsibilities as Director of wheatonIMPROV are done. As of this today at 9:50am my academic obligations as a Macroeconomics student are done. Done. Done. Done.

It may be that I haven't really comprehended yet what it actually means for me to be done, but as of now I don't feel much different. There hasn't been a huge psychological weight lifted, no teary realizations of how much I'm going to miss what I've already idealized from the past, no overcompensatory rejoicing over past suffering that doesn't seem so bad in hindsight, nothing. I'm glad to be done, for sure, but I don't think that I'm as glad as I thought I would be. Throughout the semester I kept myself going with thoughts of: "Think how great it'll be when you're done!" and "This will be so worth it when it's over!" Now that it's over I can't help wonder why it is that I thought a deadline would redeem everything.

As a caveat: I am not a bitter person, and nothing I am saying here is intended to passive-aggressively lash out against either my Macroeconomic professor (who I actually respect very, very much.) or anyone involved in wheatonIMPROV (as I truly love them all). I'm simply trying to honestly analyze myself and my experience. I'm also honestly simply procrastinating.

Now that these two things are done, I can't help but wonder what it is about finishing that supposedly transforms a painful experience into a worthwhile one. I am absolutely not trying to say that painful experiences aren't worthwhile, let me just get that out there right now. However, in my specific case I'm legitimately wondering if what I went through in each of these "character-building experiences" was ultimately worth what I'm supposed to have learned. Maybe it takes being removed from the exhausting over-involvement to see how it has shaped, challenged, and grown. I'm sure I'll look back sometime in the future and see how great the skills* I've had to develop are. (Maybe.) Knowing myself, it will take a while for me to process through as much as I can. I don't expect to ever be able to process through everything. Heck, I'm still processing through a ton of stuff that happened at the beginning of Freshman year. I'm a processor. I process. It's what I do.

As I process, I think what I've learned so far from this semester is that I shouldn't be so forward-looking to the end that I don't give proper weight to what it is I'm ending. Yes, I realize the majority of my peers learned this in second grade, but...whatever. It's a revolutionary thought for me. By looking forward to the end I robbed myself of a lot of what I could have learned in the moment. While there is still the opportunity for me to be shaped by these experiences as I reflect on them, I think I could have learned as much (if not more) had I taken the time to process through as I was in the thick of it rather than sprinting to the end with my eyes on the prize of "being done. Done. Done. Done."

I've really enjoyed being Director. I've really enjoyed truly challenging myself academically in Macro. I know I've grown a lot from doing both of these things, I'm just trying to figure out how.

*Here I'm talking about coping skills, interpersonal skills, learning skills, skills of self-discipline, etc. I'm NOT talking about the skills of analyzing and utilizing Macroeconomic ideas such as the Solow, the IS-LM, or the Mundell-Flemming Model. Come now, my existential crises [usually] consist of much deeper things than a handful of Macroeconomic graphs and charts! (Usually.)

Productive Procrastination

I procrastinate shamelessly. I like to think that I am clever in my procrastination because I'll avoid doing things that I don't want to do or that seem overwhelming to me (e.g. homework, papers, studying, academics, etc.) by being very productive in things that are fun for me (e.g. planning for improv and--more recently--blogging!).

Yes, I have a final presentation tomorrow. Yes, I'm presenting a paper I haven't yet written. Yes, I have two other papers due this week that I haven't yet started. But we're having extended practices for improv tomorrow, and I hadn't updated my blog since November. Really, is there even a choice here?